Troll Flick the Sequel 2: Return of the Brzlnrp
by Charcoal Cosplay
Summary: Crowley kidnaps Sam, Dean, and Castiel and forces them to watch the worst movie ever. Things don't go as planned. Riffing ensues.


Another breather before continuing Secret War Part 2.

Fed up with the Winchesters and Castiel not returning his calls, tweets, or liking his Facebook posts, Crowley decides to get revenge. He kidnaps the trio and forces them to watch the worst movie ever made, but things go awry when Crowley is betrayed.

Please review.

Please enjoy. :)

Troll Flick 2 synopsis:** erdni a bed tyme off war. avln dgreabns retun. no kin g fight don;t whot? theb seliers fend nro crqvs?=Denmark Pofela gradf ansk werpumsp fin 5****th**** qwtes,, vrpop the rain?**

FADE IN:

INT. BUNKER – SAM'S ROOM – NIGHT

SAM sings into a hair brush as Avril Lavigne's Complicated plays.

Someone pounds on his door.

Sam shuts the music off, tosses the comb on his bed, and cracks open the door.

SAM

Oh, um, hey, Dean.

DEAN

I was just gonna ask you to keep it down. What was that noise?

SAM

Just watching some… porn. Yeah, that's it.

DEAN

Liar. What kind?

SAM

Dolphin?

Dean looks at Sam. Neither says a word for a good minute.

DEAN

Ho-kay. Just try to keep it down alright?

SAM

Sure thing, boss. What are you doing that's so important anyway?

DEAN

Never you mind.

CASTIEL appears with a book.

CASTIEL

Dean? Do you still want me to read Good Night Moon to you?

Sam looks at Dean.

DEAN

You didn't hear that. Cas was just kidding. Right, Cas?

CASTIEL

You seemed very adamant about me reading—

DEAN

Let's all just go back to what we were doing.

Dean exits.

Castiel holds back.

SAM

What?

CASTIEL

I heart Avril too. Your secret's safe with me.

They share an awkward fist bump.

SAM

Thanks, Cas.

Someone rings the doorbell.

INT. BUNKER – MAIN HALLWAY - NIGHT

Dean holds a gun. Sam comes in, gun drawn. Castiel is armed with an angel blade.

DEAN

We have a doorbell?

SAM

Yeah, a friend helped install it.

BOB THE BUILDER

I CAN FUCKING FIX ANYTHIING!

Bob overdoses on every drug known to man.

Dean opens the door.

Two sexy cheerleaders, TEGAN (brunette) and SARA (blonde) raise their pom-poms and begin a cheer.

The guys all hide their weapons.

SARA and TEGAN

We're sugar and spice!

And everything nice!

DEAN

(dancing)

Hell yeah!

SARA and TEGAN

We come in peace!

No need to fight!

DEAN

(with his own pom-poms)

Damn right!

SAM

Dude, really?

SARA and TEGAN

Just relax!

While we distract you with racks!

CASTIEL

Good form!

Dean smiles at the cheerleaders and his eyes cross.

SARA and TEGAN

Mr. Crowley sent us here!

Now your s**t we must jack!

SAM

What was that last part?

Sara and Tegan blow silver powder at them.

Dean and Sam collapse.

CASTIEL

What did you do?

CROWLEY appears and knocks Castiel out with some brass knuckles.

CROWLEY

Attack! Attack! Attack!

**SOOBERNATRAL: SUPERNATURAL ABRIDGED**

"**Troll Flick the Sequel 2: Return of the Brzlnrp"**

INT. COLLEGE - BASEMENT - NIGHT

Castiel awakens. He's tied to a chair. Sam and Dean sit a few feet away also tied and unconscious.

CASTIEL

Sam! Dean! Wake up!

The door opens and Tegan walks in with an unpopped bag of popcorn. She hums a Ke$ha song to herself and puts the popcorn in a microwave. She stops, noticing Castiel for the first time.

TEGAN

Oh, hi. I'm Tegan. Can't believe you're here. I'm not supposed to talk to you.

CASTIEL

I realize we've just officially met and I don't know if I'm using it correctly, but just what the f**k is your problem?

TEGAN

Me? No problem. I mean, there was that stalking phase that escalated to attempted arson, but everyone has little hiccups in college.

CASTIEL

Er, right. So you're working for Crowley. Why? What does he want?

Sara walks in with a movie projector.

SARA

Tegan, what did Mr. Crowley say about not talking to his guests?

TEGAN

My bad, Sara. Cass is just so SQUEAL!

SARA

Tegan, we're bright, independent women. Control yourself.

DEAN

(waking up)

Two things. One, did you just add an extra "S" to his name? And two, did you just s-

SARA

SQUUUUUUUUUUUUEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEALLLLLL!

DEAN

Damn! Lower the volume. Chuck damn cheerleaders. I swear.

SARA

IT'S DEANNNNNNNNN!

SAM

No. That is _not_ how you do it at all.

CASTIEL

Actually, Dean, I'm fine with "Cas" or Cass".

DEAN

You really wanna talk about this now?

SAM

Tell me you girls didn't make a deal with Crowley?

SARA

First of all, we're women.

DEAN

Ah yeah.

Sam gives him a look.

DEAN

Oh right.

SARA

Second, do we look stupid?

A pause. A tumbleweed rolls by.

SAM

Well, you are working for Crowley. What's in it for you?

TEGAN

You guys.

DEAN

Oh shit! This is like Hostel, isn't it? Oh shit!

SARA

We're big fans of the Supernatural books. Will you sign my bra?

DEAN

Shockingly no.

SAM

Look, just untie us and we'll sign anything you want.

TEGAN

Deal!

Sam grins to Castiel and Dean as Tegan starts to untie his ropes.

Tegan is pushed onto a couch.

Crowley enters, wearing a beret and holding a large megaphone.

SARA

Mr. Crowley.

CROWLEY

Good help is so hard to etcetera.

TEGAN

I was just—

CROWLEY

Silence, you sniveling sycophant!

SAM

F**k you want, Crowley?

CROWLEY

You have the gall to ask me that after what you did?!

SAM

(nodding)

Yeah.

CROWLEY

You lot slighted me!

DEAN

Untie us and we'll be more than happy to do it again.

CASTIEL

What did you hit me with?

CROWLEY

Brass knuckles. Melted down from an angel blade, naturally. But there's more where that came from. Watch out for me on the next Shark Tank. As to what I want, Sumbo, that's quite simple. Revenge. Ladies?

Tegan pops the popcorn, while Sara sets up the projector.

SARA

Ready when you are, Mr. C.

CROWLEY

Prepare yourselves, gentleman, for the worst movie ever made!

SAM

(gasps)

Manos: The Hands of Fate?!

CROWLEY

What? No. Troll Flick 2.

DEAN

This is sad, Crowley. Even for you.

CROWLEY

We'll see who has the last hurrah when your minds are reduced to nothing but mush. Sara? Tegan, is it? Unfortunately, I'm going to have to let you go. Budget cuts.

SARA

That's what we figured.

TEGAN

Which is why we covered this place in devil traps.

Sara turns off the lights. Devil traps appear all over the basement.

CROWLEY

What do you think you're doing?! Do you know who you're dealing with?!

SARA

Of course. We also know the first rule.

TEGAN

Tee hee!

CASTIEL

Tegan, I'm guessing you're the one with the most issues?

TEGAN

I can't wait to read you the poem I wrote about you, Caz.

(whispering to a freaked out Castiel)

That's my nickname for you. It's like Chaz but not.

Castiel nods and leans back as Tegan tries to kiss him.

SARA

Come on, Tegan, we have a final to study for. And a negotiation to finalize with a certain red-headed demon.

TEGAN

Okay, as long she promises not to hurt my Caz.

DEAN

Cas, are you familiar with the film Misery?

CASTIEL

No. Why?

DEAN

I just got this feeling.

Sara slams the door behind her and Tegan and a series of locks click into place.

CROWLEY

This can't be happening!

The movie begins.

CROWLEY

No… No… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

SAM

At least there's popcorn.

DEAN

Which I want this time by the way.

SAM

Sure you wouldn't rather have some goobers?

Castiel whispers to Dean.

DEAN

Yes, I know what they are, Cas!

CROWLEY

And how they taste.

DEAN

Crowley, I freakin' swear!

Crowley sighs and takes a seat.

The lights dim. Four silhouettes appear just like Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Words appear on the screen.

**Deferf felm raoted P**

SAM

How the fuck can a film be rated P? Just how screwed are we?

CROWLEY

My advice to you all is to find your safe place. It's the only way to hold on to your sanity.

**NILBOG CINEMA PRESENTS**

"**tR OlL fLICk ThE sEQuEl 2: rEtuRn ofthe BRzLNrp**

Crowley rocks back and forth.

CROWLEY

Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream. Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream. Row, row, row your boat. Gently down the stream. Merrily, merrily, merrily, merrily. Life is but a dream.

DEAN

F**k.

BIG FOOT wears shorts and plays beach volley ball with two young kids.

CASTIEL

Where are their parents?

DEAN

Big hairy bastard probably ate 'em.

SAM

Yeah, cause droids don't pull your arms outta their sockets when they lose.

DEAN

Nice.

SAM

I've got an idea. Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice! Beetlejuice!

Sam looks around. Nothing happens.

SAM

Damn!

DEAN

At least you tried.

CASTIEL

I fail to see how a coked up Michael Keaton can help.

BEETLEKEATON

You'd be coked up too if f**king Ben Affleck was playing an iconic character you played decades earlier!

BEN AFFLECK

How do you like them apples?!

BEETLEKEATON

That wasn't even your line!

**BIG FOOT**

**Remember, kids. Safety first! High-five!**

DEAN

An American Werewolf in Ah, Who the Fuck Really Cares?

Sam opens the popcorn.

Now a skinny surfer helps a bikini girl put the finishing touches on a sand castle.

SAM

Is this the same movie or just a really bad preview?

CASTIEL

I'm not certain there's a difference.

DEAN

Yo, Sam! Popcorn me!

Sam tosses some popcorn at Dean, but it falls to the ground.

DEAN

Dude, you're throwing arm sucks.

SAM

Shut up, Deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeean!

**BIKINI GIRL**

**Neato!**

DEAN

Was this shot in the fifties?

**BIKINI GIRL**

**Thanks for your help, Trevor!**

**TREVOR**

**Noooooooooooo problem!**

Sam and Dean laugh.

SAM

Ten to one this guy is a resident of Squaresville.

CROWLEY

(snapping out of it)

No! All wrong. You're not supposed to be enjoying it.

CASTIEL

Crowley, it's not possible for anyone to enjoy this film.

**BIKINI GIRL**

**Trevor, you know how the dance is coming up?**

**TREVOR**

**Uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-huh.**

SAM

The Dance?

DEAN

Yeah, it's like The Prom but for super lame adults.

**BIKINI GIRL**

**I-I-I-**

CROWLEY

I-I-I have Tourette's. Fuck! Shit! Curd!

**TREVOR**

**Saaaaaaaaaaay no more.**

SAM

Please!

Someone in the worst alien costume ever kicks over Trevor's sand castle.

**BIKINI GIRL**

**Oh no! A monster! Run! It's a monster!**

DEAN

If you leave now you can still recover at least some of your dignity.

**TREVOR**

**I'll saaaaaaaaaave you!**

The alien punches Trevor's head off. The dummy head, which looks nothing like Trevor, lands in Bikini Girl's hands.

SAM

So much for that.

**BIKINI GIRL**

**No! Trevor, speak to me!**

CROWLEY

Really? Are you f**king five?

Now there is a classroom full of students.

DEAN

Dead Poets Society: The Richard Donner Cut.

Dean reaches for some popcorn.

DEAN

These kernels feel weird.

SAM

Dean, you're touching my nuts!

DEAN

You didn't say stop!

A TEACHER with two heads limps in.

CASTIEL

Yeah, that's normal.

CROWLEY

Today class, we learn about mutations.

They laugh.

**TEACHER**

**(squeaky voice)**

**Open your text books to pages three-twenty-five.**

DEAN

F**king guy's a freak!

SAM

See, Igor? All those night classes did pay off.

**TEACHER**

**I am very fond of the role of Romeo, so I'll be playing him.**

SAM

Bullshit!

**TEACHER**

**Now who wants to read the part of Juliet?**

CASTIEL

Emil the Night Janitor.

They all laugh.

Now a music video(?) plays. A gang of CLOWNS ride tricycles, surrounding a barber shop and its patrons.

DEAN

No fucking way, dude!

CROWLEY

It's the ICP. I'm Certainly Pathetic.

**CLOWN 1**

**Oh girl, I'm singing to you!**

SAM

Even though she and no one else want you to!

**CLOWN 1**

**Just let me fill you up with my clowny love!**

DEAN

Hell to the no. Now wipe that crap off your face, bub!

Clowns dance around Clown 1 and Clown 2 as he raps and vamps for the camera.

**CLOWN 2**

**You and me all night on the dance flo!**

CASTIEL  
What?

**CLOWN 2**

**I promise not to treat yo body like a painted ho!**

SAM

Huh? I guess that's good. Have her body home before eleven.

Cops arrive, but are afraid of the clowns who have no weapons.

**CLOWN 2**

**See my small car and my wide shoes, b?**

DEAN

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn?

**CLOWN 2**

**Girl, what do ya think all that means?**

SAM

She picks shitty really creepy boyfriends?

DEAN

Dude, why are the cops afraid of them? They rod up on trikes.

In the end, everyone is wearing clown make-up and dancing.

CROWELY

The hell?!

SAM

So the moral of the story is if you have a crush on someone start a clown epidemic?

DEAN

Who the f**k was patient zero?

A poorly made stop motion movie plays.

SAM

Behind the Music: Robot Chicken. We were so high.

Sam throws some popcorn into the air and catches it in his mouth. He gets choked.

SAM

(gagging)

D-D-Dean!

DEAN

Yes, honey?

SAM

I-I'm f-f-fucking chok—

DEAN

Spit it out, Sam!

CROWLEY

First time you heard those words, huh, Sam?

DEAN

What are you implying?

CASTIEL

Sam, think of something scary. Boo!

Sam turns blue.

DEAN

No, Cas. That's for hiccups.

CROWLEY

Try shoving more popcorn in there. I hear that helps.

DEAN

Shut up, Crowley.

Sam beats his chest.

DEAN

Mark Wahlberg in Fear!

SAM

I-I-'m gag! Not p-p-playing charades, jerk!

DEAN

Bitch.

Crowley slaps Sam on the back. The popcorn hits the screen, making a small hole in it.

CROWLEY

You owe me one, Moose.

SAM

I have a gift card.

CROWLEY

Well? Can I have it?

SAM

No.

CROWLEY

The kindness of people.

DEAN

Cue the Sara Mclachlan.

CROWLEY

Savages! _Every damn one_.

The film makers give up and words appear on the screen.

CASTIEL

And it begins. Still no trolls.

**Torlb ler frezack! Noffe mey g8a5 ! "replyed queen. Won ee tr but hone kr the aeg;e. blalalk! Frie OEN1 frye TOW! Crewizy (99 tltl rvaton)9( **

**What do you mean he's dead?! Are we still rolling?! Oh sh-**

**SCENE MISSING**

CROWLEY

Easily the best scene in this whole film.

**Krlwy: Crum bak!**

**Drefn ul noxx. Wtoe dery!? 42#**

**! derlin com in the houz wit shitgun. BOM! BOM ! Bomm! Hi**

DEAN

Imagine the poor bastard who got shot with one of those.

**de the body! No one can ever find ou-Fewati! Verkn^ - gfrythhot!**

**Alloop! Franwah! Yst trok! "felighn fie way hom e ans cene**

DEAN

And here is your host, Alex Trebek!

SAM

(as Alex Trebek)

Fuck this. Retirement here I come.

**Doerf ne he bey boy. Tom nik! Sedzeed cristphoter. 2werjer boh ; sdhwq**

CASTIEL

Chuck have mercy.

**Relop? ISh Thz RAeL DeN HreRY SWED non boo ts an dweithin.**

**Crum! Yobensin tgauk fer too!**

**Thez p0rl0oz wde$=q**

DEAN

Before you decide to have story time for kids you may want to hire someone who can read and _doesn't_ suffer from the worst case of dyslexia EVER!

CASTIEL

Good point.

DEAN

I'm angry about this!

Someone dressed as SANTA with no shirt on, trashes a Christmas tree. It looks like security footage.

CROWLEY

It would seem the Paranormal Activity franchise has decided to go another direction.

The bad Santa walks up to a fish bowl, and pulls his pants down.

SAM

WHAT THE FUCK?!

DEAN

He's not gonna –

The Santa pees in the fish bowl.

ALL

Ew! Yuck!

SAM

What the hell did those kids do to deserve that?!

DEAN

What did the goldfish do?!

**SANTA**

**(slurring)**

**Merly Chrimah, batch!**

POLICE OFFICERS rush in with taser guns.

**POLICE OFFICER 1**

**Get on the ground!**

CASTIEL

The urine covered ground. That poor goldfish.

**SANTA  
Sharon! You said you'd never leave me!**

SAM

Unfortunately sanity and sobriety never took the same vow.

**POLICE OFFICER 2**

**Get on the ground! You're going to get tased!**

**SANTA**

**(taking his belt off and swinging it wildly)**

**HAANUUUKKAAAAAAH!**

The officers tase him and he convulses on the ground.

SAM

Hash tag I am a real American. Fight for the rights of every ma – AHHHHHH!

A video of Crowley plays. He's wearing a bath robe and singing Katy Perry's Roar.

CROWLEY  
Shut it off! That's private!

DEAN

Well I have seen enough.

The video cuts to Tegan. She's wearing a tight fitting Red Sox jersey and holding a piece of paper.

CROWLEY

Five hundred big ones say it's a much revised suicide note.

DEAN

Wait a minute. I should watch this.

SAM

For what?

DEAN

For research. Crazy sexy research.

SAM

Dean, you're slobbering.

DEAN

Slow now, baby.

SAM

Dean! You're confusing porn with reality again!

**TEGAN**

**To my darling, my angel. My Caz.**

CROWLEY

Yes, I'd imagine a number of cats are in your future. What little remains, that is.

**TEGAN**

**Caz, you are the cool wind beneath my pelican wings.**

CASTIEL

Someone kill me.

CROWLEY

Time and place.

**TEGAN**

**When I think of the sun and its warmth, I think about you.**

DEAN

Are a warm bath and a plug and play involved?

SAM

For shame.

A video of Sara plays over Tegan. She is wearing a stripperiffic outfit.

**SARA**

**I'm usually a Dean girl.**

DEAN

Someone untie me!

SAM

For shame.

**SARA**

**But tonight, I'm feeling like a Sam fan.**

SAM

Hoochie mama!

Sara and Tegan run in. Sara shuts off the movie.

DEAN

Aw. I mean, finally.

SARA

You weren't supposed to see that.

Sara blushes.

Dean grins at her.

SAM

She's a psycho, dude.

DEAN

Don't judge. I'm sure these girls – these women just got mixed up in something that grew so big it –

SAM

It what?

CASTIEL

Dean? Do - Do you have an erection?

DEAN

Seriously, someone untie me!

SARA

We could enslave you all with magic, but that would be wrong.

TEGAN

Bad wrong.

CASTIEL

So you're letting us go?

SARA

No, we're taking you to a good taxidermist.

DEAN

The f**k you say?

TEGAN

We're going to have you stuffed! Oh, Caz, you'd make the perfect life-sized pillow! SQUEAL!

DEAN

Chuck damn it! This whole night is spiraling out of control! I just wanted to hear some Good Night Moon and get some Chuck damn shut-eye!

SAM

So Cas _was_ reading to you?

CROWLEY

I could see that.

DEAN and CASTIEL

Shut up, Crowley!

CROWLEY

Castiel's voice can be surprisingly soothing.

CASTIEL

Thanks. I think.

TEGAN

Sara? What about Abby?

SARA

It's "Abaddon" and if she hears you call her that you'll wish you had gotten accepted into Herp Derp U.

Tegan nervously chews on her hair.

DEAN

Deal breaker?

CASTIEL

One of many, yes.

SAM

You two are just playing with fire.

DEAN

Yeah, the kind that burns!

Sam looks at him.

DEAN

The blood just started flowing upwards again. It's the best I got right now.

SAM

Demons lie and kill. That's it. Is all this really worth your souls?

CROWLEY

Don't listen to that overgrown Paul Bunyan offshoot! I can give you whatever your hearts desire. I can give you gold!

DEAN

What are you, a leprechaun?

Sara and Tegan walk away from them and whisper to each other. Tegan looks at Castiel, then frowns. She nods to Sara. They walk back to them.

SARA

We've made up our minds. We know what we want.

INT. COLLEGE – HALLWAY - NIGHT

Sara and Tegan stand by the door. ABADDON saunters up.

ABADDON

Well? Where are they?

SARA

In there.

Abaddon smiles and enters the basement.

INT. COLLEGE – BASEMENT – NIGHT

A round silhouette works at the projector.

ABADDON

What the hell?

The lights come on.

GRIMACE is petting a cat and sitting in a chair.

Abaddon is in a devil's trap.

ABADDON

I hope this little joke of yours was worth it, girls.

SARA

It was.

TEGAN

Grimace gave us his share of the company. We're rich, bitch! Laters.

They walk away.

ABADDON

Wait! You can't leave me here with this thing!

She turns back to Grimace.

ABADDON

What are you looking at? Hellhound got your tongue?

Grimace just stares at her. It's unsettling.

ABADDON

Well?

GRIMACE

We're gonna be pals for a loooooooooooooooooong time, right, kitty?

He hits a button on the projector and a movie starts up.

ABADDON

Hey, this looks like … No… No… NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

**Frem de mykeers ov twROL combs**

"**KavmaN dAN"**

A poorly dressed caveman holding a painted yard stick for a club walks down the street.

A white drug dealer in blackface with fake dreadlocks shuffles over ot him.

**DRUG DEALER**

**Hay mane. Wenta be sum dreeeegs?**

**CAVEMAN DAN**

**RHRAGH! MEY KNO DO CURACK! CURACK IZ WEHACK!**

ABADDON

It's… It's worst than Shazam!

GRIMACE

And twice as long.

ABADDON

You're all purple and not breathing. W-what the hell is wrong with you? What the hell are you?!

GRIMACE

(petting cat)

Soft kitty. Warm kitty. Little ball of fur. Happy kitty. Sleepy kitty. Purr Purr Purr!

Grimace stuffs the cat into his mouth, eating it whole.

A cat face appears, trying to claw out of his stomach, but eventually disappears.

He sighs, pats his belly, then slowly turns to face Abaddon.

Abaddon screams.

EXT. ALLEY – NIGHT

Crowley is chained to a flag pole.

CROWLEY

Nations will burn for this!

Someone walks out of the shadows.

CROWLEY

Oh thank Caligula. Could you uncuff me? The keys are just over… there…

It's the Santa from the tape. And he's been drinking Cracohol. It's exactly what it sounds like.

CROWLEY

Oh no...

SANTA

Why did you leave me, Sharon?!

CROWLEY

Perhaps we could make a deal?

SANTA

HAANUUUKKAAAAH!

He unzips his fly and urinates on Crowley.

Crowley cries.

Angel by Sara Mclachlan plays.

INT. NIGHT CLUB – NIGHT

A crowded night club.

Get Lucky plays.

Sam, Dean, and Castiel dance.

SAM

See? I told you this was a good idea.

Sam does the robot.

DEAN

Dude, one more Jell-O shot and I'm busting out the worm!

Castiel walks over to the DJ. It's GABRIEL.

CASTIEL

Gabriel?

GABRIEL

Shh. I'm incognito.

CASTIEL

I thought you were dead?

GABRIEL

Yeah, about that…

Avril Lavigne's Complicated plays over credits.

Hro jrnsokn lebeygl! **(_0_)_(_0_)**

**THE END?**


End file.
